To My Grandmother

I only ever traveled to Kayseri once. I never went back. I had a reason that meant I simply had to go; my grandmother, whom I had never seen, lived there and she was growing incredibly old. Do not ask why I hadn't been able to see her until then. Sometimes life is stronger than you are; things happen to you and all at once your entire life changes. You can neither comprehend it nor explain it. You just keep going, because to live is to draw breath, and as long as you live, you endure.

Work was out of the way. I rushed to Stansted Airport for my journey to Kayseri via Istanbul. I was sleepless, exhausted, and anxious with anticipation. While waiting for the Kayseri flight at Atatürk Airport, I spoke with my cousin Serdar. “How do you feel?” he asked. “Immensely excited and emotional. A tangled mess of joy and sorrow,” I replied. “Well,” he said, “you are going to meet Hanze—the woman who brought your entire bloodline into this world.”

The plane landed. My uncle, my mother's brother, and my aunt—my mother’s sister, who is half a mother herself—were there to meet me. My aunt eased my anxiety slightly. Yet, I still felt a whirlwind inside. We went to the house. How can a person feel as though they have spent a lifetime yearning for someone they have never known or seen? I fell into this strange state of mind. I ran to her. I held her tight. I kissed her. I took in her scent. I cried and cried and cried... I became a little child all over again beside my great plane tree.

She had grown very old; she couldn't quite remember, and sometimes she didn't recognise people. My mother and aunts had gone to see her before I did, and she hadn't recognised my mother. Although my mother laughed it off with a joke, I could see how deeply it affected her underneath. Because I look so much like my mother, and my mother looks so much like my grandmother, when I arrived, she must have mistaken me for my mother in her youth, and that was how she recognised me. After that, the tears flowed like a torrential river from all of us... I spent one whole day by the side of my great plane tree. I wanted so desperately to stay, but it wasn't to be. Life gifted us just a single day out of a lifetime. I took a video of us showing our affection for one another. Since that day, I watch that video at least a few times a week to find strength.

Perhaps you were absent in person, but you were always there. Sometimes, I would hear my mother singing folk songs that sounded like laments, though I couldn't understand the words. I would go to her side and ask, "Why are you crying?" "I miss my mother," she would say. I would fall silent...

I will never forget it. It was during the years when I used to perform the semah. I had tied a red band over a white headscarf on my head. I went to my mother. The moment she saw me, she began to weep. "Mother, why are you crying?" I asked in surprise. "You look exactly like my mother did in her youth," she said. My eyes welled up. We fell silent...

I am so glad I went! I am so glad I saw her! I am so glad that I finally saw that woman I had always wondered about, whose full story I could never truly learn—my grandmother.

On the way back, when I was left alone at the airport, I couldn't restrain my tears. I tried to hold it in, but to no avail. "Why are you crying? What is there to weep so much about?" I told myself, but it made no difference. The tears wouldn't stop. A strange feeling took hold of me once again, one I cannot describe. I couldn't bear it. I wrote a few things down in the notes section of my phone. Only then did the cloud of grief inside me lift a little.

I will conclude this piece with what I wrote that day. May your resting place treat you gently, my grandmother. May your light live on.

Our lives fell upon us like a torrential downpour / Whichever part we held onto, there was a little pain / Our days were filled with a little sorrow. / Years passed. / There was such a void / That most of the time we sighed deeply / Yet we could not speak. / We were swept away, from one place to another. / One day, I just packed up and came. / That day, I smiled / I was loved. / Can a thirty-eight-year longing / Fit into a single day? / Does this yearning end with one day? / An ache in my heart. / Within me, a sorrow like no other / Misty and deeply felt. / One whole day passed, / The time came, / The time to leave. / If only I could stay by your side / Kiss you just a little more / Take in your scent / Hold you, hold you tight. / If only I could feel your presence for a lifetime / Draw strength from your hands / Look into your eyes / Hold you, hold you tight. / If only I could warm myself with your glowing smile / And tell you everything I have lived through. 11.01.2019